Lesson 14: Don’t look back (unless you’re changing lanes)

‘When one door closes,another opens;but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.’

Alexander Graham Bell

If only, if only if only……….

Most of us have regrets. Maybe we have done something we later wish we hadn’t or we haven’t done something we ought to have done. We may also be feeling guilty.  One of the joys of being human is that we are able to rationalise our behaviour – even if it is only after the event!

The thing about regret is that whatever is done is done. We can’t go back and change things. We can’t dwell on what may or may not have been. Time only goes forwards and we live in the present.

‘Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves-regret for the past and fear for the future’

Fulton Oursler

When you look at the above quote, it’s easy to see how we can get so caught up in the past and the future that we have completely overlooked what is to enjoy the here and now.

So, we have regrets, we may feel guilty but we don’t want to spend our whole life wishing we had changed our past. How are we going to change things?

Well, the first thing to do is to be kinder to ourselves.

‘To err is human, to forgive divine’

Next, we need to identify what exactly it is that we regret. Was it something we did or failed to do or were there circumstances beyond our control?

Once the regret has been identified, we will then need to see if we could have what done it differently. This is the time for serious soul-searching and searing honesty. We will need to look at the stark reality of the situation. Take responsibility for our words and actions without passing the buck and see if we could have done it better.

Regret is like a grieving process so allow yourself the chance to mourn. It is perfectly normal to feel guilt, anger, sadness or disappointment - just don’t wallow in it too long. You’ll be missing out on the chance to make amends, move on and enjoy living in the here and now.

Once we have identified how we could have acted, behaved or reacted we need to apologise to the other party concerned. It may well be the case that they do not accept our apology. That is their choice. What is important is that we have tried to make amends and we have been sincere in doing so.

Next we have to forgive. Not just  others but, if circumstances were beyond our control, we need to also forgive ourselves. Martyrdom is sooo overrated and self-flagellation is just a pain.

Finally, and most importantly, we need to learn from our mistakes and not repeat them. Life is a continual education and we’re never going to get it right all of the time as long as we can hold our hands up and take responsibilty and apologise when things go wrong and endeavour not to repeat them, that is all we can do.

Once we have changed our outlook, our propensity for regret will be greatly reduced and, hopefully, we will no longer waste our time in the present by harking back to the past.

Remember: Don’t look back unless you’re changing lanes!

‘Non, je ne regrette rien’

Edith Piaf